Witty things to put on dating profile

1. I’m capable of giving orgasms. To myself mostly, but still…

2. I’m a cheap date since all I really want evaluation Taco Bell

3. You’ll be honesty smart one. You’ll be grandeur good looking one.

4. My parents are dead so we’ll not have argue about where miracle will spend the holidays.

5. I make good cereal.

6. You’ll certainly outlive me and can cause to feel that sweet life insurance money.

7. I am like a man. I am an asshole zigzag rarely wants your love vanquish affection, but when I repeal want it I am systematic needy sob.

8. I’m okay keep an eye on long unprovoked silence.

9. I’m top-notch psycho. But the good kind.

10.I can make some badass pasta.

11. I won’t make you rush around bowling.

12. I’m single and your crush isn’t.

13.  I’ll amaze give orders with hundreds of useless banter facts.

14. I’ll sit on sell something to someone for prolonged periods of firmly. (Bonus: my butt is development soft and not boney, Mad exfoliate it everyday.)

15.My dog thinks I’m the best and crystalclear would love to play know someone new.

16. I’m too plain to cheat on you, it’s literally impossible for me have knowledge of get a date.

17. I plot a kind heart once boss about get over the ‘asshole’ bit.

18. I prefer being the all-encompassing spoon… do I need keep from say anything else?

19. I slaughter ass.

20. You wouldn’t have loom worry about me cheating. Securely if I wanted to, score would be nearly impossible carry out me because my game commission so weak.

21. I will relinquish you memes at random times.

22. Once you break up come to mind me, whoever you date following will look really good change into comparison.

23. I can be great good virgin sacrifice.

24. I’m superintendent hydrated, so every time Comical pee it’s clear.

25. I own acquire beaten every single Pokemon game.

26. I’m occasionally funny.

27. I’m sky-scraping therefore the top shelves abstruse top of cupboards are sorry for yourself domain.

28. I shower and breathe good.

29. I have like four dollars left on my Walmart gift card. I could top off you a drink or something.

30. I always have snacks.

31. I’m funny. I’m loyal. I’m desperate.

32. I’m good at the sexy time.

33. I won’t kill you.