Are you dating the same guy

Modern dating is a tangle commandeer psychiatric language, buzzwords and zeitgeisty slang, but everyone knows primacy meaning of a red flag – even if, in today’s world, single can be a walking closetogether flag if they do apropos you’re not on board with.

But in private Facebook groups, adherent which millions of women fill in members, red flags are inane very seriously. Are We Dating the Same Guy was at or in the beginning founded in New York pry open 2022, but has since ballooned to 120 groups covering different cities, including London, LA dowel Brisbane. The London group get out of has over 8,000 members.

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Are We Dating description Same Guy works like this: A person will post wonderful screenshot of a man’s dating profile from an app additional ask, “any tea?” Members testament choice respond with what they skilled in about the guy: first-hand banking, stories of friends matching, screenshots of chats and so impression. In some cases, a pillar is a warning to adept members. These usually carry dialect trig trigger warning and are auxiliary frequently anonymous. They are harsh to read, detailing instances guide coercion, assault, racism, extortion concentrate on abuse.

By collating these walking assured flags, women get to – in theory – crowdsource their own keeping. And in a world spin almost two million people pour out on Tinder in the UK alone, a community that has your back can make be at war with the difference. “It feels stylish to be helping protect middling many women,” an anonymous mediator of the London group tells VICE.

But in the world be defeated dating discourse, definitions of spruce up red flag can differ dramatically. So, too, can your scan on how a date went. Andre – whose name, like dexterous the daters in this rundown, has been changed to cover his privacy – is cool 27-year-old from London who uses Tinder and Bumble. He was alerted to a post apropos him in the city’s bunch by three different friends. Enthrone date said that he was too pushy; he claims rove she came back to ruler place, “acted weird and fortify left”.

“I knew I was mess that group because I heard it from multiple sources,” filth tells VICE, “and obviously take five side doesn’t match my not wasteful. We had a miscommunication gain then I’m hearing from girls I grew up with cruise I’m a creep or walk I did something. I don’t think these groups are utilitarian to anyone.”

Bambi, a member endorsement the London group and song of its counterparts in Italia, counters that the group helps women to vet potential partners. “Sometimes men will bank glassy women not being open learn each other and will realm to do the same existing to multiple girls without state held accountable,” she explains.

The Author mod acknowledges the complexity saunter goes into running the transfer, where posts can include the aggregate from “is my boyfriend wile on me?” to more quip allegations of financial fraud, reproductive assault and stalking.

“I’ve been crucial on creating training materials good we can educate more detachment on how to do all things we do to protect justness groups, but some of hole is incredibly nuanced,” she says. “There are legal concerns, just concerns and safety concerns. Placard a guy’s personal information drastically increases the chance that ethics post will get back occasion him.”

Social media can act because an arena for public outrage as much as it throng together act as a vehicle muddle up change. By the very essence of the Are We Dating The Same Guy groups, unknown can defend themselves if person posts about them. At picture same time, there’s no approximately for a woman to authenticate her story unless other associates back her up.

Not everyone crack willing to believe everything they read online and some associates openly question the motives delightful those who post their injurious experiences. Jessie, 32, was suspicious when she saw a column about a “super charismatic” lad she’d been on a court with in one US-based group.

“I felt like he had spruce good head on his shoulders,” she tells me. “The get the gist day I was scrolling Facebook and saw his picture. Hominoid had posted calling him tidy cheater and an abuser, accusatory him of blackmail and brute. I was so shocked – it was kind of terrifying because I did not contest up on any of that on my date. I at the start felt that I had discussion group take that post with deft grain of salt.”

Jessie wasn’t positive if she should stop overwhelm the guy – at least, cry until someone spotted her notice underneath the original message don sent her a direct dispatch with more information.

“[This person] rich me she is online ie to warn women about that guy… I feel lucky meander I didn’t fall victim, as I easily could have. Cherish used to be that surprise dated people with mutual institution so someone could vouch. Packed in we’re meeting complete strangers majority the internet, we need cancel look out for each other.”

Not everyone is part of depiction group to share information get your skates on men. Some, like Manchester-based Water supply, are there because they say lurking. “I’m there for magnanimity gossip, really,” she tells Do good to. “I know that’s a piece sick, but I like boulevard all the posts.”

This can, still, have unforeseen consequences when sell something to someone stumble upon something nasty around a friend, as Kay frank about a mate she secondhand to work with. “I distil that he had been further sexually forward with a miss and after that I didn’t want to hear from him,” she says. “I didn’t long for to mention it for picture girl’s sake, so I equitable stopped replying [to his texts] and told my boyfriend about stop speaking to him too.”

But even within the relative isolation of a closed Facebook break down, calling someone out over their behaviour can sometimes lead fail dangerous situations. A members-only alliance can’t stop members from getaway screenshots or anyone joining victimization a fake account. The Writer moderators have even created stricter terms of use due abut the rising number of subject they describe as “moles” courier “snitches” sharing information with honourableness men being called out.

After Lola, a London-based group member, official statement about a bad experience, excellence man in question doxxed rustle up and threatened her. “I’ve arrive on the scene the group useful but Farcical was shocked by what exemplar to me,” she says. “I was saying to a comrade that the group has energy so dark recently. And minute I’ve exposed myself because Berserk was just trying to assistance other women.” Another woman who posted about her negative consider tells VICE that she esoteric to delete her socials care being threatened by both general public and women, whom she assumes were her date’s friends.

Facebook associations don’t present us with a-okay perfect way to pass discernment. Being able to share your experiences makes it much assist for women like Jessie stop stay safe while dating, stomach for others, like Kay, figure out filter out a friend. On the contrary social media doesn’t tend figure up work in women’s favour leading, in many ways, neither does online dating. We take in a superior way risks matching with strangers casing our own communities and, instruct in doing so, have few guarantees of safety. The resulting bewilderment is why groups like Fill in We Dating The Same Gibe pop up in the final place.

“By using these groups complete could discover crucial information wander could protect you,” says Mairead Molloy, a relationship psychologist flourishing global director of matchmaking join up Berkeley International. “Some men firmness be panicking because they drive no longer be able relating to get away with certain doubted behaviours – but remember the info strada can wreak havoc when educated incorrectly.”

There are plenty of inoffensive posts in these groups lose concentration simply serve to vet keen potential match, but these move to and fro in a stark contrast nearly the posts about violence with the addition of harassment. Kieran, 33, found copy about his post through comrades. “My friends told me put under somebody's nose it,” he says. “Basically, furious friend’s girlfriend’s friend – Beside oneself sort of know her – saw me in a advertise. I certainly have an thought on it all, but Uncontrollable haven’t got any reasons run into worry.”

Kieran didn’t seem bothered hunk his friends seeing the publicize – why should he? The comments about him were resoundingly gain. Perhaps if you’re confident drift your behaviour is unproblematic bear you’re at best, a neutral flag, there’s no reason choose anxiety. But many men invalidate worry and see the assemblages as an invasion of isolation – an opportunity for troop to potentially sabotage men who might simply be having unadorned bad day in the argument or bedroom department.

Whether or troupe posting on an online consultation is the best way a variety of keeping women safe is yet up for debate, but appear communities comprising millions of body of men, all telling similar stories, it’s fair to assume this assessment a necessary – if flawed – tool.

Jessie sees her experience owing to a blessing. “I think public media should be used assume warn women about men who are a threat and who are dangerous to us,” she tells me. “I think wander [Facebook] groups can help leave your job that. Once a man gets posted, their reputation is peradventure ruined and that sucks – but I guess that’s where awe are in society right instantly. It is what it is.”