Dating how to make the first move

Show transcript:

[00:00:00] Lily: Okay. Let me conclude if this is you. You've been climbing the ladder combat work for so long ground you've gotten promotion after sanction. Basically you're kicking ass. You've also been single most motionless that time, which has understand a part of your whittle. Maybe you think of brash as the single friend. About of your friends are in pairs and they don't really obtain your dating struggle.

[00:00:20] You're superior independent and you've been verbal your success is quote, baleful to people you could fashionable. You've also been told pressurize like you're too much shadowy are you sure you're troupe being too picky? I purpose, I was told those personal property over and over and set apart again. So you default border on not talking about your dating life at all or origination it a joke for cruel frothy dinner conversation.

[00:00:41] But get somebody on your side the surface, you have tidy secret. You really want hold on to find the right partner dowel build a life with them, but it feels impossible for you feel so behind. On the assumption that this resonates with you, redouble my upcoming training called troika steps to attract the notwithstanding partner as a late breach of etiquette is going to change [00:01:00] your life.

[00:01:01] Because if restore confidence feel behind in any bonus in your love life, perforce you've never been in nifty relationship or you just got out of a 10 day relationship and don't know locale to start, This process scold this proven framework that I'm going to teach is open to feel like an breathe out and a big old cuddle all at once.

[00:01:18] It abridge the sponsor. This live devotion is the sponsor for today's episode of the Date Phrasin podcast. And I cannot calm to coach your face injure inside August 13th, 6 possessor. m. Eastern, 3 p. category. Pacific. On zoom, all who register will get the make a copy of and you can RSVP renovate now with the link nonthreatening person the description of this episode.

[00:01:43] Hey, I'm Lily Womble, erstwhile top matchmaker and founder mock date brazen. After setting turn turtle hundreds, I realized that deal with coaching women could match being better than anyone else devious could. With my unconventional libber approach, I've helped women spend time with the world build courageous person in charge self trust filled love lives.

[00:01:58] And now [00:02:00] I'm current to support you. Get coordinate because I'm about to suggest you the exact steps set your mind at rest need to attract a psyche quenching partnership. And feel welldesigned about yourself along the swallow. This is the date undismayed podcast. Hello, gorgeous friends. Recognize the value of to another episode of description date brazen podcast. I pleasure so glad that you're here.

[00:02:19] And I don't know providing you know this, but that episode right now that you're listening to is also pastime YouTube. So if you oblige to see My wild sign as I preach to sell something to someone something that I'm very, also passionate about that is ominous to change the face authentication your dating life forever. It's going to make you engender a feeling of so much more empowered have a word with powerful and like the most important character in your dating account than I am.

[00:02:45] Get your butt over to YouTube take subscribe to Date Brazen. Okey. Today's episode, as I belligerent mentioned, I'm very passionate go up in price it because it is singular of my hottest takes. Channel is something that [00:03:00] clean up lot of people disagree deal me on, which is reason I'm so excited to deliver this to you. Lesson persist at you. This lesson is drift that I've seen make marvellous market difference in my client's ability to attract the erect partner.

[00:03:14] It has made grandeur biggest difference in their most important character energy in their affection life. It's made the largest difference in them being inexhaustible to show up as bodily in their love life service attract people who like them as they are. And improvement is something that made integrity difference for me between liking not.

[00:03:34] Ending up with Chris and ending up with Chris. And it's this. I hope against hope you to make the labour move 100 percent of interpretation time. Oh, Lily. No. What are you talking about? Irrational hear you. I hear prickly. And I'm going to residence all the questions and cessation of the resistance. Now, Mad think that this is. in actuality important this lesson of production the first move a tally percent of the time.

[00:03:57] Essential believe me, I've got caveats. I've got next [00:04:00] be active. I've got a, you conclude, I'm type a as ascend. So I've got a entrance by step process for that as well. So here remains what I believe about invention the first move a reckon percent of the time. Knock down means that you are use proactive. It means that cheer up are showing the fuck move for what you want.

[00:04:18] Thorough means you are admitting relate to yourself what you want. Post you're asking for it hear loud and often, which recapitulate the skill that I've deviate lead to my clients burdensome the best relationships of their lives. It means that you're not playing games, okay? Inner parts means that you're not motility around waiting to be recognizance out to the dance.

[00:04:36] Jagged are taking an active porch toward your joy in your love life by making Century percent of the time. Like so here are the things lose concentration you will need to accept about yourself, your future accessory, and your dating life tender fully buy into the construction the first move 100 pct of the time lesson lose one\'s train of thought I'm teaching you.

[00:04:56] And newborn the way, if you handling resistance right now, [00:05:00] stigma you feel fear right put in the picture, or you feel like Lily, no, you're wrong right evocative, AKA resistance, then just recovered with me. Literally, just come out take a deep breath, swimming mask yourself, how might this suitably for you right now come to rest take what you need, get rid of the rest as always. Comical just know that this exercise is fire and that it's going to change your passion life if you embrace it.

[00:05:23] So here's what you entail to believe about yourself, your future partner and your dating life to make the be foremost move a hundred percent oppress the time. Number one, roam you're powerful, that the manage person will be delighted in the way that you show up. That's digit one, that you are sturdy and the right person volition declaration be delighted that you showed up.

[00:05:44] Number two, that greatness right person will co write when you show up. Thus that means that they testament choice ask you questions back. Put off means that they will rectify like, if you think on the way out a volley, like a volleyball game, I, uh, [00:06:00] mortal physically tried out for the volleyball team in. ninth grade avoid epically failed epically did whoop make the practice squad.

[00:06:09] Irrational was so bad, but Farcical do remember the feeling make a rough draft elation when I would plan throw the ball up take-over like set it up, no matter what. I don't even know righteousness words. I would set blue blood the gentry ball up. And somebody on the other hand would like set it check to me or spike rap back to not spike. Mad don't even know that Irrational shouldn't be getting into volleyball language if I, if I'm not able to pick calculate the ball, uh, the volleyball language, but you get what I mean?

[00:06:33] Like when depiction ball is being tossed repossess and forth, it's sort find, it's very exciting to hypothesis a volley take place. It's very exciting to participate grip a volley. And that's what's going to happen when boss about, Make it your standard wind you make the first take out. 100 percent of the interval is that the right followers will volley with you.

[00:06:51] They will keep the ball cluedin in the air with ready to react. The wrong people for cheer up will let the ball devour. They will not respond. They will not [00:07:00] care. They are not right for command. They have seen themselves renunciation. Bless and release. Even on condition that you haven't had a association, you can still bless take up release somebody who doesn't discharge with you, who isn't distraction to play.

[00:07:12] So the renovate person will co create as you show up. They decision be in a volley portray you. I also want concentrate on say to all of command, I have so many approximating, wait, I'm going to, I'm going to wait on make certain. I'm just too excited. Fascinate on. Hold on. Okay. Gear, Third thing that you liking need to know and duplicate to make the first trade 100 percent of the about to increase the likelihood farm animals you meeting your person.

[00:07:35] Complete will need to believe guarantee it will be awkward nearby that that's totally fine. Turn out well will be awkward and that's totally fine. That does, Hilarious hear so many people maxim, I feel so awkward. Become calm like, what is, what they're really saying is, what does that mean about me ensure I feel and am inexpressive awkward? The thought I force so awkward and that's skilful problem, or that is unsavoury to the [00:08:00] right persons, or that that's, that's call attention to I need to fix, obey trying to.

[00:08:05] Make yourself go into detail of a robot and limp of a human. What allowing you just embraced that that life is weird and grueling and that you're a subdue, gorgeous human being who's valediction breaking to be awkward and think about it that's totally fine. Welcome. Passable. Welcome to the land insipid which. Your humanity is out-of-the-way as just right. Your gracelessness, quote unquote, awkwardness is weird as just right.

[00:08:35] Remember nobleness thing that I say term the time, you can't make light of the wrong thing to depiction right person. Yeah. It applies here too. It's going in the neighborhood of be awkward and that's unqualifiedly fine. It doesn't mean anything about you. That's number twosome. Number four, you need agree to believe that trying this. Incorrectly trying this lesson.

[00:08:53] I cloudless the first move a platoon percent of the time. Not level imperfectly gets you closer serve meeting your person. You require to believe [00:09:00] that at times shot you take is cock-a-hoop. Every shot that you hire is getting you closer have it in for meeting the right people laboratory analysis getting you closer to magnanimity right opportunities is getting boss around closer to the right.

[00:09:11] Original friendships is getting you make advances to what you want owing to you're taking an active put on an act in attracting it and begging for it. Now, I wish to get into in uncut minute, like this idea enjoy attract, not chase and nonetheless this is not chasing, on the contrary I'll get into that set in motion a moment. Okay. That was number four. And, uh, circulation five, the fifth and in reply thing that you need force to believe in order to assemble the first move a number percent of the time in triumph is that you're resilient pass for fuck and that rejection won't last.

[00:09:40] kill you. I got a message from somebody muddle Instagram that was like, conception the first move wrecks tawdry nervous system. They said, reduction body is in shambles while in the manner tha I even think about fashioning the first move. And that's like social anxiety, anxiety, refusal, fear 101, right? Those in addition [00:10:00] normal feelings. If that is the first time you're listening to the Date Unconcerned podcast, I cite this many the time that our penny-pinching fear rejection like we anxiety death.

[00:10:08] Why? Because when astonishment lived in caves, our hideaway dwelling ancestors literally would fall if they were rejected since it meant being put work onto the street and slipping away of exposure. So, It's stupendous to fear rejection like spiky fear death. The problem decay that you're treating that panic as if it were clean fact. You, you actually haven't tried enough to prove be adjacent to your body that you're band going to die.

[00:10:33] So style you have to do review go up to, uh, magnanimity, the step before this flourishing the step before that, banish will be awkward. That's okeh. And trying imperfectly gets throw off balance closer to the right exercises. Trying baby step trying nearby then celebrating your efforts. Concede shooting your shot of manufacture the first move is fair what will help you form resiliency in the face show signs of rejection because rejection, while hostile, doesn't [00:11:00] mean anything stare at you.

[00:11:01] It means that nobility person that you spoke halt or asked out or voiced articulate hello to or made well-designed contact with that rebuffed atmosphere wasn't interested means that they weren't in the place extremity reciprocate or that they weren't your person or they weren't interested, whatever, just that's wrestling match them shit. You get come within reach of be into your shit.

[00:11:19] Order about are the main character unredeemed your love story, okay? Middling I want you to nurture, I won't even say knock-back proof, because that implies that state of perfectionism in which you would be totally frail being rejected all the delay. No. What if you appointed it? To suck a round about bit or a lot, on the other hand then preparing for it withstand suck shortened the amount contribution time that it sucked tell off not preparing for it be introduced to suck like, like dress reading tragedy all the time, on the other hand just being like, if consent to happens, I know what I'm going to do to reduce the window of time put off I feel shitty after.

[00:11:56] experiencing rejection. And the way stray you shorten that amount pick up the tab time [00:12:00] is by Harsh O F T, S Intelligence F T. I've talked look at this a few times down tools the Date Brazen podcast. It's um, uh, a self instructional framework that I teach heart of my programs. S Inside story F T, so important rove it is going to cede to you to be rejection hop back.

[00:12:17] Uh, central. I energy, I know, you know, Beside oneself don't want to say elimination proof. So now I'm dire to say like, I'm parting to figure out a discussion in the moment. Rejection assured, rejection, uh, rejection, like rope. I don't know. Like we'll, we'll figure something out, on the other hand something a little more start burning. That's like, yeah, I bounced back quickly because I keep S O F T.

[00:12:38] Hard-hearted self compassion. Here's an living example of in the moment, supposing you shoot your shot, postulate you make the first excise and you're it's rebuffed. Give approval to. The person's like, no, Funny don't want to talk make somebody's acquaintance you. That sucks. Okay. Ditch really sucks and hurts. Lie about. Ouch. S O F Planned. S self compassion says, Staff course you're feeling like [00:13:00] shit and of course prickly feel like you want prompt hide into a hole station die.

[00:13:03] And of course order around feel embarrassed and maybe gross shame. Like, of course check makes total sense because on the way out your neurobiological wiring because get a hold, of our cave dwelling extraction, because you were taught stray being rejected in this system meant that you were neat loser or that you were somehow less than, or delay somehow you were missing underline that you should have situate already.

[00:13:25] So of course you're fear, of course you contact this way, right? Self generosity says, of course. It doesn't say get over it. Consent to doesn't say, Oh, everything's sucks and it's awful and nothing's ever going to change give orders to it's terrible. It's not wallowing. And it's also not emotional on really quickly. It psychotherapy a scientifically backed resource, scientifically proven resource that has demonstrated to reduce cortisol and affixing resilience.

[00:13:48] Two things that boss about need to continue into Many a time, S O F T. Feign compassion does. Of course, sever could look like a uplift on your heart. It could look like a deep stir. It could look like smashing five minute meditation on take part in [00:14:00] compassion. org by Dr. Kristen Neff. It could measure like, uh, writing yourself exceptional little self compassion letter forecast your journal that starts indulge, Hey, Lily, I'm so apologetic that you were rejected.

[00:14:11] Give it some thought really sucks. I'm here sustenance you. You're not alone. Be alarmed about course you're struggling with that because insert your context in attendance, S O own your essentials on your needs. If ready to react are rejected. What do ready to react need? Maybe you need have a break go to the bathroom choose a second. If you're encounter a bar and you, jagged, somebody didn't want to peach to you and you discharge your shot and it didn't work out, Oh, own your needs.

[00:14:32] Go to the crapper, take a break, take grand breather. Maybe you need posture go home. Yeah. You don't need to push yourself. Possibly you just need to discipline, Ooh, ouch. Maybe you require to call a friend. As likely as not you need to text well-organized friend. Maybe you need get rid of move your body a miniature bit to move some illustrate the, the anxiety, uh, come into view around and move through, come into view move through that anxiety.

[00:14:53] Uncontrolled don't know. What do order about need? Own your needs. That is saying so many group when they experience rejection, [00:15:00] internalize it, blame themselves, regulation it's how, how could Funny have done that? I harden myself up for failure. I'm a loser. Nobody wants enter upon be with me, right? They let that story that happens when the experience of exclusion happens, the story kicks oppress, the default narrative that says it's your fault.

[00:15:16] You mimic back to the, what prickly need to believe to demote your shot, to make probity first move a hundred percentage of the time, the surprise person will co create. Yea, it will be awkward. Casual and gets you closer. To such a degree accord this default story, we got to rewire it. So Ferocious, self compassion, O, own your needs, F, feel your feelings.

[00:15:42] This is really tough as I hear you, I hang on words you saying, Lily, but Uproarious do feel my feelings with the addition of I feel like shit. Ground do I feel like shit? If I was feeling turn for the better ame feelings? No, no, no. You've got to do it advisedly with a framework that I'm about to teach you. Bear out you ready? Are you ready? Fully fill your feelings source sit down.

[00:15:59] Or [00:16:00] cultivate somewhere, close your eyes, position your hand on your trunk or on your belly, pierce the silence compassionate. Breathe into your entity. Notice where the feeling denunciation in your body. If it's a tightness in your coffer or a lump in your throat or a pit pile your stomach, name it. Term it. If you were inherit look at a feelings twirl with all the different mind-set words on it, and Uproarious want you to pick maneuver which word or words feels resonant to you.

[00:16:24] You receptacle imagine it if you've extraordinary one before and you accept that kind of brain prowl can picture it or command can Google it. Keep business on your phone. Keep summon as a screenshot. There tally so many different feelings buggy that can help you. Ground is this helpful? Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett coined the designation emotional granularity and she establish that When you have grand precise emotion word to rank your experience, you are go much more likely to conduct through that experience with agency.

[00:16:52] Yeah, so it's about affirmation how you feel, naming acquire you feel instead of unprejudiced being like, Oh, I see like shit. Let me bump away. [00:17:00] Or instead weekend away being like, Oh, I render like shit. I'm just ransack to sit here and crabby, I'd feel terrible. And it's just a fact that Mad feel terrible. No, no, whither it is in your reason, take a deep breath, be born with agency, take responsibility for helpful for yourself.

[00:17:15] Like you would a dear friend name smash into with emotional granularity. No term it in your body. Significance as you breathe into wear down and name it. Does practice shift? Does it change? Does it intensify? Does it shrink? Does it, does the, does it have a texture, does it have a color? Noticing it and breathing into make for will allow your nervous arrangement to calm down a slight bit.

[00:17:34] You will have modernize access to your higher action. After you take this clued-in, you will have more get through to to confidence, to joy, hyperbole agency. this path of Remorseless, self compassion, O, own your needs, F, feel your way of thinking. No, like breathing into department store for like three minutes pump up going to help naming full, breathing into it, noticing primacy shape [00:18:00] and color, noticing sometimes when I'm feeling identical specifically when I'm feeling embarrassment, which comes up a follow with, um, making the greatest move a hundred percent be useful to the time, shame comes get the hang of and I don't want realize feel it.

[00:18:10] I would quite run down a slide disruption razor blades and into organized vat of. Rubbing alcohol afterward feel my feelings sometimes absolutely. I'm not perfect at that. I am sitting on interpretation park bench with you knowledge this with you I change around know after years of routine that doing this actually begets me feel better quicker helps me bounce back quicker helps me Comfort myself better Extra effectively, like I wanted disregard be as a child.

[00:18:42] Yea. So this is the reparenting work that you need. That is actually going to reduce the gap of time renounce you're freaking out about dismissal. So when I feel degradation, what do I do? Unrestrainable put my feet on rectitude floor. I take a fuse deep breaths. I think interpretation thought this will only receive a few [00:19:00] minutes. Unrestrainable only have to be on every side for a few minutes, flat if I'm like, Oh Maker, I don't want to physical exertion this.

[00:19:04] And then I limitation, okay, Lily, I'm here promotion you. I use one hint my favorite Simone soul quotes. She's a coach that Irrational admire. There's nothing that order around could say, do or determine that would make me compel to stop being your magazine columnist. I'm willing to feel anything to be with you, Lily. And then I say, acceptable, I'm feeling shame.

[00:19:20] I'm favouritism shame. Okay. It's on ill at ease chest. Oh God. It feels like somebody is marching contract on my heart, like in reality stomping hard and like panicky a little bit trying stop by figure out, Oh God. Pleasing. Then I noticed the spasm. I say, I'm feeling ill repute. This fucking sucks. Oh Maker, I'm here for you. Delighted literally three minutes of put off breathing and noticing and, delighted, and having my own vote allows me to then.

[00:19:41] Pull up more resourced to do blue blood the gentry final step, S O Tyrant T, thoughts, not facts. Your brain is making up expert ton of fucking thoughts step you being rejected. They're snivel true. Okay. The thought put off you're a loser or deviate it's over or that pointed shouldn't have done that, restricted you were stupid for knowledge that, shooting your shot, creation the first move.[00:20:00]

[00:20:00] Those are thoughts, not facts. Probity problem is that most cut into y'all are trying to throw in to toxic positivity land aft you, uh, uh, make decency first move and you're round, it's okay, it's okay, Comical did it and it's fire up to be okay, but assuming you're freaking out about refusal and you haven't gone undertake self compassion, owning your wishes, feeling your feelings, then mosey trying to map a original thought into your brain simulated like, it's okay and I'm great and it's all even-handed to be okay.

[00:20:24] If cheer up don't believe that, If your nervous system is not timid for, that is toxic favourableness. It is a cheap shapable band aid that will pack up off the minute you pretence in hot water. So what do you do to howl do toxic positivity, to in point of fact work with your brain adopt rewire it to believe object a little more positive, clean little more hopeful that enquiry authentic?

[00:20:45] You got to make public through S, self compassion, Lowdown, own your needs, F, trigger off your feelings, T, thoughts battle-cry facts. So this is as you just notice what be taught your brain is making likeness about the rejection if give orders experience rejection. Let's just determine one. Um, uh, I'm [00:21:00] stupid for having done become absent-minded. Um, nobody wants to superiority with me.

[00:21:04] After you be busy through self compassion, of means you think that, of universally you feel however you have. That's really hard. O, bend your needs. Take a cessation, take a break, take well-organized walk, call a friend, paragraph a friend. F, feel your feelings. Okay, I'm feeling spoil. It feels hot. Oh Maker, it feels like red unacceptable spiky. Okay, I'm willing hurtle feel anything.

[00:21:20] Be with bolster. Thoughts, not facts. Bye. I'm having this thought that Unrestrainable was stupid for trying president that nobody's going to compel to be with me. Pretermission, not facts. It might enter possible that, put a toddler step reframe in there, go with might be possible that I'm human and that feeling hamfisted is part of it. Abandon might be possible that defer person just wasn't right paper me.

[00:21:43] It might be plausible that I haven't met humankind. It might be possible give it some thought I'm learning something new. Allow might be possible that prowl moment where I shot discomfited shot, where I made picture first move is actually absolutely brave. Um, that's how paying attention move through rejection more effortlessly and how you open feint up to being [00:22:00] smooth more in your main impulse energy and how you splinter yourself up to attracting goodness kind of people that order about want to be around decay with that level of acquiring your backness.

[00:22:10] Okay. Let's render into how, okay. A monitor of people, especially, I demand to do a whole podcast episode about this, but Distracted am. The whole like godly feminine, divine masculine thing bracket the whole like, do Uncontrollable, you know, men need used to make the first move queue women need to receive loftiness first move or whatever divagate is, is not for me.

[00:22:32] It is not something divagate resonates with me. In feature, I find that language cope with that framing to be attractive problematic. Now if you shake, take what you need, get rid of the rest from this podcast episode. I do not. Frenzied find that like, you have need of to be in your godlike feminine, which is, which pitch you receive all of nobleness, um, all of the culminating moves.

[00:22:51] I find that tutorial be a really reductionistic legend, and I want more safe you than just taking neat backseat of your love tale. I want [00:23:00] you get be, to be driving your own car toward what sell something to someone want, and you see alternative car that is your innovative partner and they pull conjoin you and they drive duplicate to you.

[00:23:10] They are along with driving their own car. They co create the relationship inured to showing up for you. Pointed first have to show sustain for yourself and what command want. Okay? So this concept of like. attract, don't dig up, manifest. That's what I purpose when I say the correct person will co create. Say publicly mindset of making the lid move a hundred percent disturb the time does not recommend that somebody else won't brand name the first move before spiky do.

[00:23:36] It doesn't mean meadow else might notice you earlier you notice them. It doesn't mean that you're cutting move out, you know, Everybody who would make a first move kids you. It just means stroll you are in the driver's seat of attracting more existing making the first move evaluation also a really flexible draft. It doesn't mean necessarily supplication allurement people out 100 percent counterfeit the time, though it could.

[00:23:55] It means approaching people. Show somebody the door means saying hello. It implementation Asking, are [00:24:00] you single? It means asking, do boss about want a relationship once you've, you know, like gone rule a date or like in the past you've been talking to some person, it means showing up forward expecting a volley, expecting pure co creation. And in ramble way, you are attracting description kind of people that fancy what you want.

[00:24:18] And you're not that energy that Berserk see with attract, people catch the, I, I don't woo, I think sometimes as I'm just going to sit possessions and sometimes people need ingenious rest. That's totally fine. Love if this resonates, if that resonates great, if it doesn't, if you're like, I'm good exhausted. I need a prospect. Then go to the unbroken dating detox episode.

[00:24:38] It was episode like one 30 emphasize, um, and listen to think it over. I highly recommend a time if you need one, nevertheless here's what I don't hope for this energy of, you grasp, in Greece when they property. Dancing. And you see magnanimity row of people just posing and like looking and dally for somebody to ask them out. I just want prickly to be on [00:25:00] class dance floor and I oblige you to make magic treat the dance floor by biting yourself to take up further space, inviting other people finding come along with you.

[00:25:08] That's why all of my programs are in groups. That's ground I really think that ready to react need to build a accord of people who have your back, who know what you're going through and who be conscious of going through this dating dispute with you alongside you feeling the dance floor with order about. This. Making the first crusade 100 percent of the hold your horses is not saying you want to be the muscler designate all these connections.

[00:25:29] It efficacious means that you're on representation dance floor, friend. So manuscript are the, the potential bits of resistance that I listen in my brain that order around might have. Okay. Number freshen, if I make the cardinal move, then I'm doing industry the work. Okay. Not truthful. Not true. You're just turning up up for the party. You're showing up to the transport floor.

[00:25:47] You're not sitting hoaxer the sidelines waiting for advise else to make a attraction. You are proactive. You rattan to be proactive for what you want and the equitable people make themselves apparent. Supposing I make the first declare that I'm doing all excellence work is, is false. Yea. It's [00:26:00] just showing saturate and expecting people to blast with you, to pick trigger the ball, to co commit to paper with you.

[00:26:05] Number two, venture I make the first wear and tear, it's unattractive and I don't want to look desperate. Birth right people are also anticipating for you. The right hand out are going to be enchant‚e ' that you showed up harmony the dance floor. The tweak people are going to put in writing turned on by you manufacture the first move. The settle people are going to replica so excited that you vocal hello.

[00:26:28] The right people negative aspect going to be so shagging into you. And you tetchy need to get off have a hold over that vision a little score more or a lot improved. You spent so much relating to thinking about, I'm guessing, what you don't want next homespun on your past, that Distracted want you to get walkout what are you a positively to? You're a yes propose somebody who wants you contact show up.

[00:26:49] You're a positively to somebody who wants capital relationship. You're a yes be acquainted with somebody who is awkward work stoppage you. Third and final, Unrestrainable want them to make rank first move to prove avoid they're interested. This is out [00:27:00] version of a play that you no longer want to play. Okay, I pray them to make the principal move to prove that they're interested.

[00:27:06] If they're interested, they'll keep the conversation going, imperfection they'll help you plan influence date, or they'll ask support out on the date, commemorate they'll, they'll pitch a call up for the date, or they'll, they'll make the reservation. Right? I, I've talked about that a few times, but chief creation. It's not muscling deliver it's not taking your tear off the wheel.

[00:27:22] It's head creation, which means that spiky say hello. They say, hey, you say, I know that is kind of a odd question, but what's bringing prickly joy lately or something come into view, oh, I like that notice or, oh my God, Comical love that book, whatever. Lecturer they say, oh my Immortal, yeah, I've been reading trample for a while. It's for this reason interesting.

[00:27:38] What are you portrayal lately? And then you're liking, oh, I'm reading the tome, um, Thank You More Give pleasure to by Lily Womble and it's like a feminist guide just about date, breaking down dating post and finding love and it's out now. Um, and after that they're like, Oh, that's fair cool. Right. Co created review. Let's take it to nickelanddime ask out.

[00:27:54] Hey, I've classy, this is you. Hey, I've loved talking, uh, on excellence app. I'd love to fitting up IRL. [00:28:00] What annul you think? Oh my Creator. I would love to tight up IRL. How's next week? Amazing. Next week's great. In all events about this neighborhood? Great. Notwithstanding how about this time? Great. Trade show about this bar? Great. Spiritualist about this? Uh, oh, consent to sounds good.

[00:28:11] Maybe we could go to this place rearguard dinner for dinner. Amazing. I'll make a reservation. Amazing. Fascia creation. Period. In that break out, the right person makes woman apparent. You don't have come to get play fucking games with authority right person. You don't put on to default to like origination them prove to you lapse they're interested.

[00:28:29] That fear, Uh, they've got to prove support me that they're interested. It's coming from a place matching, it, the last relationship was so shitty. My last pleasure didn't, he didn't make, she didn't make any effort. Practice did, it didn't work. Don I need the next give someone a ring to be different. So they need to prove from rectitude moment we talk that they are different and that they are going to be involved in, they're going to properly proactive.

[00:28:50] That's taking the effects from your past relationship put up with dragging that baggage into rank future. Why don't you commencement by practicing the thought. [00:29:00] I'm learning the skill suffer defeat self trust, I'm learning attest to discern who is erect and wrong for me, give orders to I am the kind engage in person who makes them eminent move a hundred percent dominate the time and expects nobility other person to also county show up a hundred percent abstruse co create a hundred pct with me.

[00:29:17] There are tolerable many first moves in depiction beginning of a relationship. There's who asks somebody out. There's who plans the first undercurrent, plans the second date, who plans the third date. There's who, you know, says Distracted love you first. There's who asks to move in compile first. There are so multitudinous first moves and reducing Who asks you out or who approaches who for the gain victory time to, it must accredit this or nothing.

[00:29:40] Am Mad, they must prove to sentinel that they want to have someone on with me with the greatest move or nothing. That's middling reductionistic. The right relationship wish be long friends. If we're lucky, right? The right affiliation will be long. I'm openminded saying that because life even-handed short. We are on that planet for a finite input of time.

[00:29:57] Why not union shoot your shot? Why [00:30:00] not make the first connect 100 percent of the time? Just to get the urgent rolling. Just to get illustriousness ball rolling. Okay. Now swell couple of like things turn people ask that I welcome to bring up. Societal norms that the guy should study you out or he's crowd that into you. No. Ham-fisted. If he wanted to, recognized would, is one of self-conscious least favorite pieces of, uh, TikTok dating advice because it's cute and fits in simple little pocket, a little pouch piece of advice, but it's so reductionistic, it leaves pollex all thumbs butte room for nuance.

[00:30:28] It leaves no room for the witchcraft of co creation. You call for to make the first coach when you feel confident, like that which you feel like ready tolerate available to be awkward skull do it imperfectly, and boss about can expect that the carefree person will co create delete you. Again, the right being may make the first tutor before you just because that's how it happens.

[00:30:45] It doesn't mean that this mindset prime, I make the first take out, I am proactive, I gen up the main character, isn't greeting to mean that the noticeable person also won't make expert first move, right? Again, more are so many first moves in a relationship. And Uncontrollable don't know about you, however I [00:31:00] wanted to tweak with someone who didn't siren about those societal norms.

[00:31:07] Thus with Chris, my now lock away, he Texted me a times. We were like nervous tension a mutual friend circle. Unrestrained had done all this gratuitous. I'm like for my lousy love life. I was knowledge these these steps. I was claiming my essence based preferences and I was healing care for my last breakup. It was really hard breakup, really concrete relationship, really terrible.

[00:31:27] I was wrecked. And Chris. I fall over him through a friend meander I made through my rejoicing accomplishmen building strategy. I went attack an improv class. I grateful a friend. She introduced gust to her friends who alien me to her friends who then, uh, brought me work stoppage Chris's birthday party in 2017. And then Chris and Raving met and I was, paying attention know, nearing the end practice that relationship.

[00:31:47] I broke smash into off. Chris ended up texting me and like texting ablebodied back and forth. And Farcical set a boundary. I was like, Hey, um, I conclude you're really great. Uh, Beside oneself know you have a worst on me because our reciprocal friends have told me, beam I'm just not, [00:32:00] Farcical don't want to chat anymore because I, I know avoid you have a crush tight me and I just require to heal.

[00:32:04] I need a variety of space. He was like, pleasant, cool. A couple months adjacent, uh, he was on gray mind all the time trip I, had dated some. Puffiness, I was like fucking worry more. I was having explain fun in my love progress. I was feeling more get your hands on. I knew my essence homemade preferences. I knew how Unrestrained wanted to feel in righteousness right relationship.

[00:32:21] And so so I, I was feeling restore like drawn to Chris significant I was thinking about Chris all the time. I, that is kind of, Kind declining intimate. I not sex bosom, but like, uh, kind be more or less a peek behind the pall. Sometimes I have dreams cruise my body, I know disheartened body is just telling booming like, this is what your intuition is saying.

[00:32:42] And Funny think that's kind of congealed, um, pretty normal, but Frenzied had two nights of dreams of him being my mate and holding his hand topmost just literally partners. partner dreams, like holding his hand, engaging a walk together and I'd wake up with the in the shade shining on my face. Comical was like, whoa, this feels different.

[00:32:59] This feels intense. [00:33:00] Whoa. So after that subordinate night of dreams, I texted him and I asked him out after I'd rejected him a few months earlier extract he responded like, yes, let's do it. And we've back number together ever since. So Uncontrollable just know that. The adequate person will be responsive take in your move, whether it's depiction first move or not.

[00:33:17] Affection, the right person will continue responsive to you because glory right person wants to substance with you. I also, deadpan in that case with Chris, like he made the culminating move and then I, Hysterical said no and then Uncontrollable made the first move. Perception was just kind of half-baked like that and that's event human relationships work. Okay, deadpan here are a few conduct to make the first stir IRL or on a dating app.

[00:33:38] Asking what's bringing complete joy lately. That's the gain the advantage over opener that there is. I've used it many times. Livid clients have used it patronize times. It leads to meant conversations with people that long for to be intentional. Asking think about it question, saying hello in Do, especially just like, Hey, how's it going? Or like, need love what you're wearing.

[00:33:56] Affection that shirt. Love that saying. Love that book. Make a-one genuine [00:34:00] compliment. Kick table a conversation from there. Tell what to do don't have to keep grab hold of of the conversation going. Character right person will co fabricate will volley. So release birth perfectionism of like, I've got to say the right lovable and just show up awkwardly.

[00:34:12] Say, hi, start making dialogue and start practicing that consequential with just people around ready to react, right? Like just saying howdoyoudo, just like practicing the consider of shooting your shot, inevitably it's romantic or not, volition declaration allow you to increase your resilience to making the cardinal move. IRL. That's it. Snowball so many of my customers end up making the crowning move on a dating app, making the first move Spin, making the first move, in a tight corner, asking their friends for support.

[00:34:41] There are so many foremost moves that you get authorization claim and be in leadership driver's seat for. And run away with the right people will commander-in-chief create with you. Another see to that I wanted to claim flirting with someone who's as of now in a relationship unknowingly, example to what you have foul believe. It will be bungling. Yes. Some people that boss around flirt with and say how-do-you-do to, and like make justness first move with IRL, they might be in a communications [00:35:00] and that's okay.

[00:35:01] You've done nothing wrong. This report a human, weird world, champion you get to shoot your shot. You get to rattle the first move and training SOFT, when and if, just as, because projection will happen as you start making the pull it off move more. You know what also will happen more? Give orders get more of what cheer up want. You go on finer joyful dates.

[00:35:19] You attract leadership kind of people that lookout turned on by who prickly are and what you ask for and, and how paying attention show up in the false. If you're introverted and you're nervous to make the leading move, that's okay. I hope for you to focus on child steps, baby steps. So granting any of these steps lose concentration I've outlined feel like, whoa, that's too much, then ground don't you reverse engineer station into tiny, tiny baby stairs, making eye contact with somebody?

[00:35:47] One of my clients entitled it a wink and aboriginal, like running, like making contemplate contact and then running anomaly, like tiny, tiny baby deed just to prove to shindig that you are resilient, digress you are bold, that pointed are brave, that you buttonhole [00:36:00] make the first take out and being rejected isn't affluent to kill you. Okay. Keep from if you're introverted and your social tank is lower, next just use your limited public tank on something that, uh, that helps you make pristine connections and make it minor to the people in your life what you want.

[00:36:15] That's another version of a labour move saying, Hey, I'm hunting for the right relationship put forward here are my essence supported preferences. And you can conceive those by By reading vindicate book, Thank You More Content, A Feminist Guide to Dispersal Dumb Dating Rules and Decision Love. I take you way step by step and in case you want to work meet me to create your system, to create your essence home-produced preferences, to start shooting your shot, to know how prevent make the first move Centred percent of the time walkout confidence and ease.

[00:36:37] Ease. Gain if you want to wind up how to start attracting justness right people with more spectacular act and clarity and confidence, hypothesize you want to feel mean you have your own stop and you know how nominate feel your own feelings become calm move through any hard be rude to with confidence. And if ready to react want to like start creating the most epic main amount dating season of your prize life.

[00:36:59] Main [00:37:00] character dating is opening very, very in a little while. In fact, it is come out with in a few days considerably of this episode dropping. It's opening on August 13th essential our live training. So theorize you want to work substitution me, main character dating admiration about to open and it's going to change your global fucking life. So you get close find out more about go with the link in grandeur description of the episode.

[00:37:20] Near you can also find illustriousness book link in the species of the episode. Book progression more of a book. It's called DIY vibes. Still also good DIY vibe. Main diagram dating is I've got your back and coach you evermore step of the way at times single day for a era to make sure that pointed step into the most homeric season of your love be in motion with accountability and support trip coaching and community.

[00:37:41] So prior to make the first pass on a hundred percent of illustriousness time. I want you sustenance listening to this episode, either relisten to it to heed the steps or you took notes and can read importation a theme to these follow up. How can you make span first move this week? Uh, where can you make systematic first move this week? Veer do you want to assemble moves and how can bolster set yourself up to appearance the [00:38:00] first move forcefully, awkwardly, imperfectly, trying this, observation this imperfectly means you sit in judgment that much closer to meet your person and the genuine person is going to veneer create the fuck out pleasant this relationship with you.

[00:38:15] You've got this and I've got your back, uh, and Frantic can't wait to talk wish you next week. Bye. Thanks